Cheese the Ferret

As promised, here is the original story that i wrote about Cheese:

The England vs Paraguay Match

We were all sat on the sofa, watching the violent football match on the TV screen before us. Paraguay were turning nasty. They were taking their socks off and trying to shove them into Michael Owen’s mouth. It was half time. Then a message flashed across the screen. It said: “DAVID BECKHAM HAS BEEN STRANGLED! The football player sneaked a double-vodka into his water bottle, and in his drunken state strangled himself with his captain’s armband.” Then the commentator’s voice came back into existence. “Sven-Goran Erikson has picked a ferret named Cheese to be the new captain. OK, the players are back on the pitch. Aaand, here they go! (PEEP!) Cheese is on the offense. Ouch, that’s a nasty tackle. Cheese gets past, ducking and weaving. SHOOT! AND IT’S A … save. Uh-oh. Children, look away. Cheese is now mauling the Paraguay goalkeeper. Ooooo, that has got to hurt, I hope that poor man doesn’t want to have children, because he’s not gonna be able to. Cheese has gone on a rampage! Everybody run! What the…?”

“There’s a SWAT helicopter, hovering over the pitch. It seems there is a sniper in it, firing at Cheese. Nice shot! Cheese is down. No he’s not.Oh, that isn’t good. He’s gone insane. Now Cheese is making short work of the helicopter (BOOM!) Now it’s raining cookies. It’s a miracle! Cheese is eating the cookies. Into the cage now. Good little ferret. Phew, I’m glad that’s over.”

“OK, back to the game. Rooney is going for the goal! Hang on, isn’t he supposed to have a bad foot? Rooney’s down! He’s grasping his foot in agony! What an idiot. He couldn’t just let his foot heal. Michael Owen’s flying forward, he’s going to score… He’s missed! The ball has gone straight through the stadium and off to Timbuktu! It has suitcases and everything! (Aaaaaaaaargh!) What the? I heard a scream just then. That can only mean one thing. Excuse me for a moment. (Oi! turn that horror movie off and watch the game!)

“Sven has picked a new striker for this penalty. What is this guy doing? He’s picked Cheese to be the new striker! GOAL! Cheese is going mad. He’s running around squeaking! Right, I’m going home. I can’t take much more of this. Bye. Ouch. Who left this thing that looks like part of the floor here? Ah well. Never mind. I’ll find out later. See you all lateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!” (Whoops. I forgot I cut a piece of the floor out at half time. Mwuhahahahahahaha! I am the floor cutter monkey! Fear me, you mere mortals!) Hang on. How did I become the commentator for this match? Oh yeah! The TV pulled me in a great big flash of green light. I told Mum that electrician was dodgey, he had a really shifty look about him. Maybe it was the black cloak and mask… I dunno.

 

(Here is the comment my English teacher left: Cheese? Cheese the ferret? Well, this is such a daft story, I don’t know whether to laugh along with it or despair at it!)

~ by lazydragon on March 7, 2007.